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you no longer have property to who i am

how I feel

and the lengths of love I had for you.

I am now the captain of my own ship.

i owe you nothing.

I am done.

I can be happy without you

I will be happy without you.

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6

I lost track. Today I wanna talk about :

I was happy and in love, he was not. Somehow I was the one standing in the relationship feeling better than ever. So ready to go to the next chapter in our lives and yet he wasn’t. He was no longer happy and felt lost.

Why can’t you just say “I am no longer interested in dating you. I want some time to figure myself out?”

God dam. It’s not that hard.

 

4.0

Day: 4

Mood: No Mood?

Emoji to express mood: *girl with her shoulders shrugging*

Thoughts :

  1. After last nights conversation I don’t think he should be in a relationship. I mean thats basically why we’re having a break anyways right now. However,I think I’m starting to feel like this is going to be more permanent than anything. Oddly, I don’t mind. I think it’s because I’ve come to accept the circumstances and recognize that perhaps a relationship isn’t the best thing for him right now. I don’t think he should be in one. He’s just so lost. I don’t want him to feel or be lost.

2. I feel a lot happier today than the previous days, it’s nice keeping busy with school and having lots of work to fill up my time with. I really am a extrovert, so much of my energy comes from social interactions.

3. I just want to continue to be a happy driven person. I think I am slowly figuring more and more of myself. I’m excited for my next chapter in life and I’m ready to really end this part off of my college career on a high note.

Things I want to work on the following day:

  1. Get my math homework and notes together, go to office hours. Submit minor request form. Finish FOB FSA assignment. Finish FOB CTA, CMA, DA. Start MIS final review.

2.  Go to the gym at least 3 times this week.

3. Get your head in the game finish strong.

A inspirational quote to finish things off : Don’t count the days, make the days count.

3.0

Day: 3

Mood: Empty

Emoji to express mood: 😐

Thoughts :

  1. I going to love him whether he still loves me or not. Through it all, I’m just ready to be there and listen to what he has to say and how he feels. Given the layers of revelation, letting him be and figure himself out is the most important part of this journey. For him to be a great individual he needs to know how he feels. I just want him to have support, he doesn’t always accept nor receive it from many people on that level. So what I can do is simply support him.

2. He posted a new photo on instagram. It’s dark and mysterious, like he always is. What’s new. Ah that boy is so adorable. He also changed his caption “simplicity. patience.compassion” perhaps those are the words he is looking for. It makes me wonder if he has tested out meditation yet. Overall, I’ve come to accept the terms of what will happen and I just want to be supportive at this point. To listen and be there for him.

3. I really, really, REALLY, need to get on it with my assignments. I feel like I’ve left all my feelings out there. Every scenerio played. Now I just have to live, and finish my academic year strong. I need those A’s and I need to get them. Stop distracting myself and go hard.

Things I want to work on the following day:

  1. FINISH ESSAY, QBA HW, AND 90% OF FOB PROJECT.

2. FIND ENERGY, go on a run for 30 minutes today. Remember you need to take small breaks in between your work.

3. Stop distracting yourself.

A inspirational quote to finish things off : The way to get started is to stop talking and begin doing.

2.0

Day: 2

Mood: Worse than yesterday

Emoji to express mood: 😦

Thoughts :

  1. I think it’s probably only going to get worse from here. I just want to call him SO bad. I know that’s the last thing I should want to do though because he really needs his space to figure things out. I just miss him so much. It hurts me, because our weekly schedules have changed. I went to sleep early last night because the pain hurt so bad.

2. I’m scared the more and more time we spend time apart, I feel like I love him more. Meanwhile I think he’s going to realize he enjoys being by himself/alone more. That to me is the saddest realization as I know it means our relationship is over. You can’t be in a relationship with someone when they don’t love you. However, loving someone who is alive and can’t be in your life is probably one the hardest things you deal with when breaking up.

3. Ideally what I would want from this breakup is we both acknowledge we want to stay in each others lives for as long as possible. Yet be logical and recognize it will have to end (probably) before the fall semester starts if not before he starts law school. Also recognize how much we mean to one another and share some those larger highlights of life together as we go through the up and downs. Deep down I believe we have the potential to both be great friends that cheer on one another.

  • Optimistically speaking I say we are soulmates who need time to figure things out. That’s cliche though and we don’t speak optimistically. The reality of the fact is we are so young and we have so much of life to live.
  • Pessimistically speaking perhaps we can never be friends because that would destroy us and only cause distraction to us and our mission in life and our career.

Things I want to work on the following day:

  1. just don’t contact him as much as you want to, don’t. write him letters or something. you don’t ever have to give it to him.

2. Remember the amount of things that are due Sunday : FOB, BGS, QBA – get on it. Plus MIS final Thursday.

3. Stop sleeping in so long, it hurts but when you sleep in you loose time and waste your time on things you can’t do later on.

A inspirational quote to finish things off : Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep remind yourself that everything happens for a reason.

1.0

Day: 1

Mood: Eh, it’s whatever

Emoji to express mood: :\

Thoughts :

  1. It didn’t start off so bad, I woke up early missing the good morning text, and constantly checking my phone to see just in case if it was him. It overall just felt fairly empty. It wasn’t so much of sadness to start off, just a empty presence.

2. Then I listened to podcasts, they were funny, but it only made me think and reinforce the idea of how much our relationship was worth. Sad but true, it’s pretty solid. Sucks if it was to be thrown away. However, I’m comforted by the fact we both are mature individuals willing to talk it out and entertain different thoughts.

3. Now this is where it went all bad, this is where my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach 😦 This also happens to be the reason why I am writing this instead of typing my essay. I had actively made the decision to delete all of my social media in hopes to cancel out negative energy and distractions. However, what it became replaced with was me going on social media through my laptop. Then me looking for him, only to find that he had unfriended me. *Sigh* I mean I guess. Why are breaks so hard. They dam feel like a break up at this point right now. Or maybe because I think I know how it will turn out is eating at my brain. However, I am sure I might just be myself’s worst enemy.

Things I want to work on for the following day:

  1. Focus on finals, I have so much work to accomplish I need to calm down and stop putting so much thought into the acts. I think he might have just unfriended me because he was hurt by me archiving the photos (?) pure speculation though. Either way I think it must be just as hard for him as it is for me. So I guess we should just let each other heal and figure things out.

2.  Maybe go for a run. I think I need to spend some time and get my endorphins up, I feel so empty inside.

3. no idea….

A inspirational quote to finish things off : Be a pineapple, stand tall, stand strong, and be sweet on the inside.