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Embarrassing

I do this thing when I’m nervous I just start talking, for long periods of time about absolutely nothing and start going off tangents. I sometimes ask really bad questions, that have no meaning. Also give more information about myself then the other person asks for.

So in the future to make up for such embarrassing moments I will take these steps:

  • read body language
  • answer questions
  • PREPARE a conversation – before I attend it ‘
  • apologize

Stay calm, stay collected, and stay thoughtful.

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Things you learn your 3rd year in college

  • BINDERS DON’T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ANY LONGER – GET A 5 SUBJECT NOTEBOOK IT IS LIFE CHANGING
  • time every hour of your day as if you were the secretary to your own office (your life office)
  • apply to scholarships like its your second career
  • read, take notes on paper, then during midterm season type it up on dual screen with your prof. power points on one side and your word document of notes on the other half
  • GO TO SLEEP EARLY AND WAKE UP EARLY
    • nothing is greater then waking up early and having a cup of tea or coffee
  • just believe that every day is a day for you to make improvements
  • listen to some music and give yourself a pep in your step

Race Relations

A thought that has plagued my mind a lot is the heated arguments surrounding racism. The realization that when you’re young it doesn’t matter who you’re play with.  It doesn’t matter if he/she is black, white, yellow, brown, orange. If their personality is like yours, if they share with you then you share with them.

This innocence and love for one another for whom they are, rather then what they look like – seems to be tainted as we get older.

I think about this thought often because it truly hits me hard. Growing up I always had a diverse group of friends, and that remains to be true. Yet I remember kids calling me twinkie and numerous other names merely for the fact the people I hung out with were not my skin tone.

The was relevant all throughout middle school. The popular white kids hung out with the popular white kids, the asian kids hung out with the asian kids, the black kids hung out with the other black kids, and the hispanics would hang out with the other hispanic kids.

The cross over or social groups in which you hung out really started to define who you are the identity of your group.

This observation is also one in which I notice even as I have spent the last 3 years at college. In a institution deem to serve a diverse student body, everyone continues to stay in their comfort zone and rely on the support of their race population.

It’s almost as if people forget that personality and heart is what leads to human connection and interaction.

Pretentious

School is great in many ways but also horrible in many other ways. Socially – school can be great for those whom are chameleons and horrible for those that are bold. I am neither, I tumble from side to side doing neither at most. Or it’s like a roller coaster or sorts, I’m bold here – make tons of friends, then I have to camouflage myself with everyone else in school so I can continue to keep those friends. I decide to be reserve and shy and there I end up without friends. However, something tells me your most comfortable version of yourself will be what people love the most. In the end the fake friends leave and the non-existent friends just don’t give a whole lot of feedback to work with. With that said, being a friend – a good friend – is as important as having a friend that is good and kind to you.

Determination

It’s hard to let go when you are determined to succeed. Making a promise to myself, my very young and naive almost 20 year old self, to be as true as I can be. I’ve had all my life to struggle and stumble and it’s time to strap down and get cracking.

1.I need to stop being shy in class, if you’re shy dress better, so you feel better, and make some friends.

2.Get good grades, stop slacking off on social media(goodbye instagram,facebook, and twitter – if you want news read the NYT or The Hill), you can exist without it all. YOU REALLY CAN, DO IT, LOVE YOURSELF, AND YOUR GRADES, DO IT.

3.Read more, I mean this, instead of catching up on all your shows, immerse yourself in a indulgent reading that fuels your soul.

4.Take this semester and the last 3 semester as serious as can be. YOU MADE IT THIS FAR DO NOT FALL OFF THE WAGON.

5. BE prepared, whether it’s reading all your syllabus on time, filing your agenda down to the t, or asking for help. Get ready for questions and get ready to be inquisitive. You can do better, stop slacking off.

6. Don’t breathe until the semester is over, go get that 4.0. You are nothing but the best version of yourself.

 

Pep talk courtesy of your very motived self, after finding out you scored below average on lsat and your grades are trash, get it together.

Getting in Touch with, Cuc.

It’s weird talking to yourself in third person, but I’m a weird one.

Somehow these past week I came to this full circle. The past year or so I’ve been struggling with this horrible identity crisis. One that has really triggered high levels of stress and depression. Then for some odd reason, a lot of it hit me these past few weeks. Whether it might’ve been reading the alchemist that got me to come full circle or it was simply – a development in my thought process, I feel like I’ve found clarity.

My goal in life has always been to make my parents proud. I grew up watching my mom work ridiculously hours throughout my childhood, only time I would see her was after work. She had school in the morning and worked from 10-7 at night, 7 days a week 10 hours a day for nearly 10 years. Throughout my years in elementary it was rare for me to ever get time with her. My time was often spent with my uncle, my cousin, or my dad. I was placed with relatives time and time again because my parents work endlessly. Watching them come home tired was the worst feeling in the world, you can see how drained they were. Watching the hope and light drain from their eyes, and their tired raspy voices. I watched my dad get home from graveyard shifts, carrying glass bottled sodas in his big oversized jacket. He used the bottles as defense for the unknown strangers whom traveled the streets at one in the morning.  I watched them tune themselves like machines repeating the same tasks for years on end, wearing the same shirts they bought over from Vietnam until they were old and gagged.

It was only with careful planning and calculating that gave us opportunity to balance our finances. With every calculation we were able to save more and more for small luxuries like a washer and dryer, a old second hand car, and our first box television. Small purchases were big wins. The biggest lessoned I learned from my dad’s articulate calculations was your brain is your biggest asset. Under any given circumstance your knowledge will give you an advantage in surviving in this world. That’s how it always felt for us, just try to survive. Go to school, get good grades, survive.