Blog

Getting in Touch with, Cuc.

It’s weird talking to yourself in third person, but I’m a weird one.

Somehow these past week I came to this full circle. The past year or so I’ve been struggling with this horrible identity crisis. One that has really triggered high levels of stress and depression. Then for some odd reason, a lot of it hit me these past few weeks. Whether it might’ve been reading the alchemist that got me to come full circle or it was simply – a development in my thought process, I feel like I’ve found clarity.

My goal in life has always been to make my parents proud. I grew up watching my mom work ridiculously hours throughout my childhood, only time I would see her was after work. She had school in the morning and worked from 10-7 at night, 7 days a week 10 hours a day for nearly 10 years. Throughout my years in elementary it was rare for me to ever get time with her. My time was often spent with my uncle, my cousin, or my dad. I was placed with relatives time and time again because my parents work endlessly. Watching them come home tired was the worst feeling in the world, you can see how drained they were. Watching the hope and light drain from their eyes, and their tired raspy voices. I watched my dad get home from graveyard shifts, carrying glass bottled sodas in his big oversized jacket. He used the bottles as defense for the unknown strangers whom traveled the streets at one in the morning.  I watched them tune themselves like machines repeating the same tasks for years on end, wearing the same shirts they bought over from Vietnam until they were old and gagged.

It was only with careful planning and calculating that gave us opportunity to balance our finances. With every calculation we were able to save more and more for small luxuries like a washer and dryer, a old second hand car, and our first box television. Small purchases were big wins. The biggest lessoned I learned from my dad’s articulate calculations was your brain is your biggest asset. Under any given circumstance your knowledge will give you an advantage in surviving in this world. That’s how it always felt for us, just try to survive. Go to school, get good grades, survive.

Finding me

I think it’s a natural time in every growing young adult life that we lose ourself. We lose track of our passions, our goals, our motivation. There is a time in our life where the overwhelming activities in our life tend to blur the lines of the goals we have once set for ourselves.

Stress only grow as you get older, more things only pile on as you grow.

However, on that note, I find this opportunity as a time to reassess my goals and motivation. The past year and half (plus) in college have been quite challenging, There’s been tons of ups and down, good and bad, fights and arguments, happiness and depression. Everything that I believe is normal in any young college student life. Going forward however I want to be concise on my goals and my career path. It’s time I get serious and work the extra mile to go above and beyond my work. There is a lot that I’ve learned and discovered about myself in the past 2 years since high school.

The person I was two years ago still lives inside of me but now I feel a sense of urgency and a necessity to strive and succeed beyond the limits of my imagination. I want the ability to absorb books like I once did growing up. I want to reduce the need to be pretentious. I don’t want to mask my feelings, emotions, goals, and ambitions. I want to strive to be the best version of myself. That best version of myself includes being confident, smart, and dedicated.

I need to step up my game in school. I need to work on my test taking skills. I know so much of the material given, yet I choke so bad when it comes to the exams. That measure of my knowledge is not something that is going to go away. I need to work harder and become a better test taker. My short term goal right now is to finish strong in Business Marketing and Statistics. I need to conquer this semester. That GPA better be strong. There is not way around it. I need to get my head together and do this right.

I know I am smart enough. I know I can do this. I need to get into the mindset of motivating myself to make small wins so in the end I can get the big win, which is ultimately to get into a great masters program.

I know now I definitely don’t want to work in the marketing field for technology, however, with something like lobby for policy is not completely out of the books. Yet, advocating for policy isn’t something that completely satisfy me. There is more to being involved in government politics, whether it’s local or federal, there is a itch I can’t seem to scratch. I have this dying urge that won’t go away to do good for my community, for people whom I call my fellow friends, and the kids who don’t know how to rise above this area. It’s easy to get trapped in your own world, lord knows I get trapped in this world myself. It’s so easy to be tied down by the people around you and the environment you’ve grow up in. There is always borders and restrictions – perhaps even guidelines tying us down. I think this is what it means to grow, to start assessing those perimeters in your life and seeing where you can make strides to improve or learn from. I mean there are valuable lessons everywhere we look. Mistakes of others or even our personal mistakes however there is no denying that it takes a lot more to change our bad habits. Recognizing that we need change is just important as find the motivation to make changes. Looking for that lighter that fuels the fire.

I’m struggling to once again find the lighter that fuels my fire because these days I’m having a hard time finding it. For me it used to be simple, work hard so you can go to a GREAT college, then everything else will fall into your lap. Well, it’s a naive thought, but that is what you are often taught growing up. No matter who your parents are they are always telling you to stay focus, stay in school, so you can go to a great college and make a good life for yourself.

Then you get to college and realize, holy cow, where do I go from now. This is hard, I’m not getting the results I wanted. This isn’t how I thought it would be, I’ve kind lost my go getter personality for a bit. I just didn’t feel like I was smart enough to fit in. In college there is no crowd to fit in to, you just gotta go off based on your interests and passions and somehow along that way you might find some great people who share the same goals as you. Even then,  they might be lost themselves.

I don’t want my next goal to just be go to law school, score super high on the lsat, and go to a great school. I mean those are my goals but they’re not the only encompassing goals I have for myself. I want my goals to be on a deeper spiritual level, and I mean it in the sense I want my intellect to grow during this process. I want to be a better person, a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better student, a better debater, a better thinker, and a better human being in life.

I could definitely work on my analytical skills for sure, I lack the complexity of creating long thoughts ( funny as I am writing this long “complex” post of my thoughts). On a professional and educational level I find myself not achieving the long complex presentations of a well thought out thought. It’s hard for me to explain my point with supporting detail without drawing it back to a conclusion. I don’t know why I struggle with it so much. I always get side tracked and end up going in circles and I want my thoughts to be clear and well thought out. I need to train it to make a point, back it with evidence, and conclude it in a precise and well thought manner.

I also don’t remember the last time I’ve read a book front to back, I keep getting side tracked and starting books. I’ve started 3 books in the past 6 months and have yet to finish them, I need to dedicate more time in my life to reading.

I do love the fact that I have gotten very good at writing a agenda for myself each week. I want to continue that and follow it more strictly. Further, I need to get myself to set weekly goals and achieve them.

So to sum it all up I need to plan out and follow through, read more ( make time to read more), and bring up my grades.

Realizations – The importance beyond education

It wasn’t long ago I wrote about the confusion of “adversity” in my life. The holidays taught me a lot about myself. I came to the realization I had made that same very day. My dedication to succeess is deeply rooted in my upbringing.

Something my Dad mentioned to me over the holidays:

Nothing makes me more happier then seeing you succeed, you have gone beyond limitations. I only wished I had that opportunity growing up. Dropping out of school in the 5th grade was not ideal as I watched all my brothers get a education. The family could only afford for so many kids to go to school, I watched as my older brothers, younger brothers, and sisters attend school. For me, they sent me to grandma’s to work on the farm.

Opportunity. That was what I was given when I came to America. The ability to succeed at no given cost due to the public education system. In taking the education system seriously I fed my mind and my soul.

Support. Under all circumstances somehow I managed to have the best teachers growing up and the greatest parents. Even my uncles and aunts pushed me so incredibly hard, although, back then I thought they were too strict and mean. Everyone I knew was constantly pushing and aiding my growth and development.

Love. My parents unconditional love. I remember my dad would take me to the library on his free hours before work so I could check out some books to read. He would sleep before work and I would read for hours and hours on end. He would wash our car as I rode my bike up and down the street, eventually teaching myself to ride a bicycle without training wheels. We would drive and wait for my mom to get off of work. He would take my cousin and me to the pier on random trips so we could watch the seals. He took photos of us and recorded everything we did.

 

As I write this I’m starting to also see how strong and confident I am due to the constant support from my dad. Having the ability to bond with him throughout my young childhood has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. *definitely a daddy’s girl*

 

Recently

Recently, someone made me question myself. My position in life, my relationship, and most importantly me. The odd thing is, this person brought up memories from four years ago. Somehow, I let that weigh me down. I think it went to show, now looking back, how insecure I was. How I lacked the ability to stand up for myself. I knew what was said wasn’t right,  yet I let it hurt me.

Taking the time to recollect my thoughts and note the factors, I’m trying my best to let it go.

Confused? Adversity? My Development? What?

In the spirit of the holidays, it is a time for reflection of the old year and a understanding of the things one should be grateful for in the upcoming year. There is beauty in the holiday’s for many and also heartbreak for others.

The holiday’s for me is a time in which I enjoy the gathering of family and the love of humans. Also, the feeling of hurt and isolation hallows my heart as I think about the millions of individuals whom don’t have families or support system to spend their holiday’s with. This has always been a deep subconscious battle I’ve dealt with.

How can I be more inclusive?  What would help people in this situation? The answer is hard. 

The rest are ramblings. A lot of it makes no sense.

There is a presence of being grateful in which I have always been raised on. Through stories and my personal experiences I’ve grown upon, my parents have heavily influenced the aspect of being grateful. They’ve told me the stories of the life I might’ve been living, and everyday I couldn’t be more grateful for the life I get to live. There’s something missing here, I don’t know what it is…

I often have a hard time looking back and reflecting on my adversity, mainly because, I feel in a MAJOR sense, so incredibly grateful. So much I feel that we shouldn’t be phased by the hurdles life throws at us. We must take action and do something to change the things that have hurt us. Don’t just cry about it, do something to change it if you can. (I feel like I sound like a brat)

In a sense I feel lost. I know many of the hurdles I’ve been able to conquer are pretty great feats. First to graduating from high school, first in the family to go to college, first to speak english fluently, all the while coming from a low income background… but come on there are also millions of others whom have to do the same. What makes you different? What makes you unique? Why am I not making that connection?

Why can’t I seem to understand it.

*

However, what I do know: My parents are incredible human beings, absolutely incredible, hands down. They love, they care, they support, and they’ve done everything a parent should do for their child and for that I am grateful.

In a  weird sense I can see that there is a lot more work, I would like to do in my lifetime. I feel a large desire to help others in a way my parents have helped and aided me through my learning and growth. A huge need to be compassionate in the way many of my teachers have taught me through the classroom walls. To be strong and solve as many problems as you can on your own. Also to ask for help when you need too. To work with others, to be reasonable, and most importantly believe in yourself. I guess these last few things I’ve picked upon through learning, through watching tv, through experimenting, through my own developments in life? I say it with a question mark because we all know we are heavily influenced by the culture around us. The people we surround ourselves with, the people we are raised with, the things we are taught.

This is a far way from where I started with being grateful and reflection during the holidays. These thoughts were and have been buzzing in my mind for over two years now, and I want to analyze it further. I want to understand myself more, haha sounds really clique but it seems as developing adults, it’s easy to lose yourself.

The reason why I love acting so much is the characters are so distinct, there’s life in it, when you try to figure your own life out, it’s a completely different story.

* silly belief/horoscope that says leo’s are always having identity crisis within themselves haha, perhaps it’s also universal.