Getting in Touch with, Cuc.

It’s weird talking to yourself in third person, but I’m a weird one.

Somehow these past week I came to this full circle. The past year or so I’ve been struggling with this horrible identity crisis. One that has really triggered high levels of stress and depression. Then for some odd reason, a lot of it hit me these past few weeks. Whether it might’ve been reading the alchemist that got me to come full circle or it was simply – a development in my thought process, I feel like I’ve found clarity.

My goal in life has always been to make my parents proud. I grew up watching my mom work ridiculously hours throughout my childhood, only time I would see her was after work. She had school in the morning and worked from 10-7 at night, 7 days a week 10 hours a day for nearly 10 years. Throughout my years in elementary it was rare for me to ever get time with her. My time was often spent with my uncle, my cousin, or my dad. I was placed with relatives time and time again because my parents work endlessly. Watching them come home tired was the worst feeling in the world, you can see how drained they were. Watching the hope and light drain from their eyes, and their tired raspy voices. I watched my dad get home from graveyard shifts, carrying glass bottled sodas in his big oversized jacket. He used the bottles as defense for the unknown strangers whom traveled the streets at one in the morning.  I watched them tune themselves like machines repeating the same tasks for years on end, wearing the same shirts they bought over from Vietnam until they were old and gagged.

It was only with careful planning and calculating that gave us opportunity to balance our finances. With every calculation we were able to save more and more for small luxuries like a washer and dryer, a old second hand car, and our first box television. Small purchases were big wins. The biggest lessoned I learned from my dad’s articulate calculations was your brain is your biggest asset. Under any given circumstance your knowledge will give you an advantage in surviving in this world. That’s how it always felt for us, just try to survive. Go to school, get good grades, survive.

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