Confused? Adversity? My Development? What?

In the spirit of the holidays, it is a time for reflection of the old year and a understanding of the things one should be grateful for in the upcoming year. There is beauty in the holiday’s for many and also heartbreak for others.

The holiday’s for me is a time in which I enjoy the gathering of family and the love of humans. Also, the feeling of hurt and isolation hallows my heart as I think about the millions of individuals whom don’t have families or support system to spend their holiday’s with. This has always been a deep subconscious battle I’ve dealt with.

How can I be more inclusive?  What would help people in this situation? The answer is hard. 

The rest are ramblings. A lot of it makes no sense.

There is a presence of being grateful in which I have always been raised on. Through stories and my personal experiences I’ve grown upon, my parents have heavily influenced the aspect of being grateful. They’ve told me the stories of the life I might’ve been living, and everyday I couldn’t be more grateful for the life I get to live. There’s something missing here, I don’t know what it is…

I often have a hard time looking back and reflecting on my adversity, mainly because, I feel in a MAJOR sense, so incredibly grateful. So much I feel that we shouldn’t be phased by the hurdles life throws at us. We must take action and do something to change the things that have hurt us. Don’t just cry about it, do something to change it if you can. (I feel like I sound like a brat)

In a sense I feel lost. I know many of the hurdles I’ve been able to conquer are pretty great feats. First to graduating from high school, first in the family to go to college, first to speak english fluently, all the while coming from a low income background… but come on there are also millions of others whom have to do the same. What makes you different? What makes you unique? Why am I not making that connection?

Why can’t I seem to understand it.


However, what I do know: My parents are incredible human beings, absolutely incredible, hands down. They love, they care, they support, and they’ve done everything a parent should do for their child and for that I am grateful.

In a  weird sense I can see that there is a lot more work, I would like to do in my lifetime. I feel a large desire to help others in a way my parents have helped and aided me through my learning and growth. A huge need to be compassionate in the way many of my teachers have taught me through the classroom walls. To be strong and solve as many problems as you can on your own. Also to ask for help when you need too. To work with others, to be reasonable, and most importantly believe in yourself. I guess these last few things I’ve picked upon through learning, through watching tv, through experimenting, through my own developments in life? I say it with a question mark because we all know we are heavily influenced by the culture around us. The people we surround ourselves with, the people we are raised with, the things we are taught.

This is a far way from where I started with being grateful and reflection during the holidays. These thoughts were and have been buzzing in my mind for over two years now, and I want to analyze it further. I want to understand myself more, haha sounds really clique but it seems as developing adults, it’s easy to lose yourself.

The reason why I love acting so much is the characters are so distinct, there’s life in it, when you try to figure your own life out, it’s a completely different story.

* silly belief/horoscope that says leo’s are always having identity crisis within themselves haha, perhaps it’s also universal.


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